Goldberg, renowned for her deep dives into the realm of alternative facts, suggests that every American citizen should be head over heels in love with Rapinoe, adorning her with precious jewels and singing her praises from sea to shining sea. After all, who needs fiscal responsibility and economic stability when you can just bask in the radiant glory of a sports icon?

But alas, the American people have failed to grasp the true essence of Rapinoe’s greatness. How dare they have opinions and preferences that don’t align with Goldberg’s enlightened vision? It is a truly puzzling enigma that has left the philosopher scratching her head in disbelief.

Rapinoe, known for her exceptional talent on the soccer field, has also made headlines for her outspoken political views and activism. She has been a prominent advocate for LGBTQ+ rights, gender equality, and social justice.

These qualities, Goldberg argues, elevate Rapinoe beyond a mere athlete to a symbol of progress and a beacon of hope for many. In Goldberg’s eyes, Rapinoe represents the best of what America can be: a nation that values courage, authenticity, and the relentless pursuit of justice.

In an attempt to decode this riddle, perhaps we should consult the ancient texts of “Celebrities and Their Inherent Awesomeness.” Surely, buried within those hallowed pages, we will find the answer to why mere mortals fail to fall to their knees in worship of Rapinoe’s soccer prowess and supposed monetary value.

Or, just maybe, it’s possible that Americans are entitled to their own preferences and opinions. Perhaps they choose to admire other athletes, respect different political viewpoints, or simply have more pressing matters to attend to than pondering the Treasury’s hidden gems.

So let us all marvel at Goldberg’s incredible insights, as she unravels the mysteries of American sentiment with her unparalleled wisdom. Let us bow down to the soccer field turned treasure trove and wonder why, oh why, the citizens of this great nation have not yet erected golden statues in honor of Rapinoe’s divine presence.

However, the reality might be simpler and less sensational than Goldberg suggests. In a diverse and pluralistic society like the United States, people have varied tastes, values, and priorities. While many do admire and respect Rapinoe for her contributions both on and off the field, others may be drawn to different figures who resonate more closely with their own beliefs and experiences.

Moreover, the idea of elevating any individual to a near-mythical status can be problematic. It places undue pressure on the person being idolized and can create unrealistic expectations. It also overlooks the collective efforts of many individuals working towards positive change in various fields. By focusing too narrowly on a single person, we risk diminishing the broader movements and communities that contribute to social progress.

In the end, we can only hope that Goldberg’s quest for adoration and the revelation of Rapinoe’s supposed financial prowess will find its rightful place in the annals of absurdity. For it is in the realm of satire that we can truly appreciate the hilarity of such outlandish claims and revel in the freedom to form our own opinions, even if they don’t align with those of the enlightened philosopher herself.

Let us celebrate the diversity of thought and opinion that makes America unique. Whether you are a fan of Megan Rapinoe or not, the freedom to choose who we admire and respect is a fundamental aspect of our democracy. And in this light, perhaps we can appreciate Goldberg’s fervent defense of Rapinoe not as a literal call to action, but as a passionate expression of one person’s admiration for a figure who inspires them.