In a stunning new policy aimed at keeping things… well, upstanding, the New England Patriots’ head coach has decreed that knees will no longer be tolerated during games. Yes, you read that right. Knees, the joints that have been crucial in human mobility for millennia, are now officially on the chopping block for Patriots players.

“If anybody kneels during a game, they’re banned,” the coach declared, with all the seriousness of someone about to outlaw elbows next. The players stood there in stunned silence, wondering if this would be the final straw that drove them to switch sports to competitive ping pong, where their knees could thrive in relative peace.

Some say this is just the next evolution of the team’s already controversial coaching strategies. “First, it was deflated footballs. Now, we’re deflating hopes, dreams, and knees. What’s next? Are we going to play without feet?” quipped an anonymous player while sneakily Googling “how to protest without bending knees.”

The coach has a clear vision for the future of football. “Knees are unnecessary distractions,” he insisted, probably while seated comfortably in a plush chair with his legs stretched out. “We don’t need them. If you’re focused on your knees, you’re not focused on the ball. Or the patriots. Or the nation.”

The ban on knees has naturally raised some eyebrows (which thankfully, are still allowed). Players are left pondering how exactly they’re supposed to run, jump, or even walk in a straight line without the occasional help of those pesky knees. It’s rumored that the Patriots are developing a new training regimen that will involve a series of stiff-legged drills and intense upper-body-only calisthenics.

In response to the new rule, rival teams are already strategizing. “We plan to exploit this knee ban by attacking with low kicks and questionable yoga poses,” said a coach from a team that shall remain nameless. “If they can’t bend, they’re going to break.”